Joke of the day
If you've missed the previous top 124 ones check these 1-44 , 45-62 , 63-84 and 84-124
Joke of the day
Joke of the Day…
One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."
Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.
A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
Partie de Peche
Un homme téléphone à sa femme :
- Chérie, on m'a invité à un voyage de pêche avec mon patron et quelques-uns de ses amis. On sera partis pour une semaine. Pour moi, c'est une chance d'obtenir cette promotion que j'attends depuis si longtemps, alors est-ce que tu peux me faire une valise avec assez de vêtements pour une semaine entière et préparer ma ligne et mon coffre de pêche ? On partira directement du bureau et je passerai juste à la maison pour prendre mes affaires. Oh, s'il te plaît, n'oublie pas de mettre dans mes bagages mon nouveau pyjama en soie bleu.
L'épouse trouve bien étrange l'histoire de son mari, mais elle fait exactement ce qu'il lui a demandé. La semaine suivante, le mari revient à la maison, un peu fatigué mais content de son voyage.
- Alors, lui dit sa femme, tu as pris beaucoup de poisson ?
- Oh oui, beaucoup de saumons, des truites et quelques espadons... Mais au fait, pourquoi tu n'as pas mis dans mes bagages mon nouveau pyjama en soie bleu comme je te l'avais demandé ?
- Je l'ai mis. Il est dans ton coffre de pêche.
Lettre d'un fils a ses parents
Chère maman, cher papa,
Ça fait maintenant trois mois que je suis parti pour l'université. J'ai pris beaucoup de retard pour vous écrire et je suis désolé de vous avoir négligés.
Maintenant, je vais vous mettre au courant. Mais avant de lire la suite, asseyez-vous. Vous ne continuez pas, tant que vous n'êtes pas assis, hein?
Je vais plutôt bien maintenant. La fracture et le traumatisme crânien que j'ai eu en sautant par la fenêtre de ma chambre en feu, peu après mon arrivée, sont maintenant presque guéris. Je n'ai passé que deux semaines à l'hôpital et ma vue est redevenue presque normale. En plus, ces affreuses migraines ne m'arrivent plus qu'une fois par semaine au maximum.
Heureusement, la caissière du dépanneur d'en face avait tout vu. C'est elle qui a prévenu les pompiers et appelé l'ambulance. Elle est aussi venue me voir à l'hôpital et comme je ne savais pas où aller avec l'appartement réduit en cendre, elle a eu la gentillesse de me proposer d'habiter chez elle. En fait, c'est juste une chambre au sous-sol, mais c'est plutôt mignon. Deux fois mon âge, c'est une femme adorable et nous sommes tombés follement amoureux. On veut se marier. On n'a pas encore choisi la date, mais ce sera avant que sa grossesse ne commence à se voir.
Eh! oui, chers parents, je serai bientôt papa. Je sais à quel point vous avez hâte de devenir grands-parents et je suis certain que vous accueillerez le bébé avec tout l'amour et les tendres soins que vous m'avez témoigné quand j'étais petit. La seule chose qui retarde notre union, c'est la petite infection qu'a ma fiancée et qui nous empêche de passer les analyses prénuptiales. Moi aussi, bêtement, je l'ai attrapée, mais tout ça va vite disparaître avec les injections de pénicilline que je me fais chaque jour.
Je sais que vous l'accueillerez à bras ouvert dans notre famille. Elle est très gentille et même si elle n'a pas fait beaucoup d'études, elle a beaucoup d'ambition. Bien qu'elle ne soit pas de la même race ni de la même religion que nous, je connais votre tolérance toujours réaffirmée et je suis certain que vous n'attacherez aucune importance au fait que sa peau soit un peu plus foncée que la nôtre.
Je suis sûr que vous l'aimerez autant que moi. Vu qu'elle a à peu près votre âge, je suis certain que vous vous entendrez bien et que vous vous amuserez beaucoup ensemble. Ses parents sont eux aussi des gens très bien : il paraît que son père est un célèbre mercenaire dans le village d'Afrique d'où elle est originaire.
Maintenant que je vous ai mis au courant, il faut que vous sachiez qu'il n'y a pas eu d'incendie de l'appartement. Je n'ai ni traumatisme ni fracture du crâne, je ne suis pas allé à l'hôpital, je ne suis pas fiancé, je n'ai pas la syphillis et il n'y a pas de femme bronzée dans ma vie. C'est juste que j'ai eu un 5/20 en physique, 8/20 en math et 4/20 en bio et j'ai voulu vous aider à relativiser les choses.
Je vous embrasse bien fort.
Toto amoureux ... :)
Toto est amoureux de sa maîtresse et tout le monde le savait, même la maîtresse. Un jour, la maîtresse fait un jeu de devinettes. Et à chaque fois qu'elle pose une devinette Toto intervient. Mais toutes ses réponses sont fausses. Pour le consoler, elle lui répond gentiment chaque fois:
- Ce n'est pas la bonne réponse Toto, mais c'est quand même bien d'avoir essayé!
À la fin de la classe, Toto vient voir la maîtresse et lui dit:
- Moi aussi, j'ai une devinette pour vous mademoiselle.
- Oui Toto, quelle est-elle?
- J'ai dans mon pantalon une petite tige, assez dure, avec un bout tout rouge, et qui peut vous mettre le feu. Qu'est-ce c'est ? SLASH!!!
La maîtresse lui donne une de ces paires de claques. Toto, alors tout en larme, sort de sa poche une allumette, et dit: - Ce n'était pas la bonne réponse mademoiselle, mais c'est quand même bien d'avoir essayé !
Quel animal ressemble le plus à la "femme" ????
La prof demande :Quel animal ressemble le plus à la "femme" ????
La poule !!!
'Pourquoi la poule, Toto?' retorque la prof
elle a une petite tête......
un derrière imposant.................
et surtout elle bouffe tout le blé.......... '
Toutes les deux ?
C'est un mec, appelons-le Marc, qui va rendre visite à un de ses bons copains, appelons-le Gérard, qui n'a vraiment pas eu de bol, il a eu un terrible accident de voiture qui l'a laissé hémiplégique.
Le malheureux a une femme et une fille toutes les deux superbes. Quand son copain vient le voir, il est dans son fauteuil roulant, pieds nus et il a un peu froid.
Il demande à son copain d'aller lui chercher ses pantoufles, en haut dans sa chambre.
Les deux femmes sont justement en haut. Et quand le gars monte il est pris d'une idée :
" Salut, les filles, Gérard m'envoie et m'a demandé de vous faire l'amour à toutes les deux. "
La femme et la fille se regardent, incrédules et lui lancent :
" Non, mais ça va pas ? ... Gérard ne peut pas demander ça ! "
" Vous voulez une preuve ? "
" Un peu, oui . "
Alors le gars se penche dans l'escalier et crie :
" Gérard ? Toutes les deux ? "
" Bien sûr, voyons, toutes les deux ! "
Son of …….
Little Johnny was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework."
" And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the called Little Johnny's teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in class?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, the sum of which is four."
no 1: The difference between friendship among men and friendship among women
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
Now, THAT'S friendship!
Joke of the day no 2: Perfect Girl
A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married?
Replied the gentleman, “Well, I guess I just never met the right woman … I guess I’ve been looking for the perfect girl.”
“Oh, come on now,” said the friend, “Surely you have met at least on girl that you wanted to marry.”
“Yes, there was one girl .. once. I guess she was the one perfect girl.
The only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything .. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me.”
“Well, why didn’t you marry her,” asked the friend.
“She was looking for the perfect man,” he said.
Un beau matin, un enfant demande à son père :
- Papa, comment suis-je né ?
- Très bien, mon fils, il fallait bien que l'on en parle un jour. Les abeilles, les fleurs, les choux, les petites graines... Tout cela est complètement dépassé ! Soyons modernes... Voici donc ce qu'il faut que tu saches :
Papa et Maman se sont connectés sur Facebook. Papa a envoyé un e-mail à Maman, afin de lui fixer rendez-vous dans un cybercafé.
Ils ont découvert qu'ils étaient compatibles, en ayant beaucoup de choses en commun.
Papa et Maman ont alors décidé de faire un partage de fichiers.
Ils se sont dissimulés dans les toilettes, et Papa a introduit sa clé USB dans le port USB de Maman. Lorsque Papa fut prêt pour le téléchargement, Papa et Maman réalisèrent qu'ils n'avaient pas mis de Firewall.
Hélas, il était trop tard pour annuler le transfert et il était impossible d'effacer les données.
C'est ainsi que, neuf mois plus tard, le petit virus est apparu...
Getting Bank of America By The Balls
A little old lady walks into Bank of America and asks to open a savings account. The new accounts receptionist first thinks this is strange, probably because everyone is leaving them for credit unions now. At any rate, the accounts person asks her how much she wanted to deposit to open the account, and the little old lady replies, "Three million dollars." The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it right here in this bag..."
The accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations. In light of this highly unusual event, the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank involved. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says, "Gambling."
"Gambling?", he says. "What sort of gambling?"
"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll even give you 10:1 odds. You got $10,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?" The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of Bank of America without knowing a thing or two about money. "I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you... there's just no way you could win that bet!" The little old lady just shook the bag and said, "I know what I'm doing... and I can afford to lose! Is it a bet?"
"OK, have it your way", said the president, and they shook hands on it." See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning", said the little old lady, and with that she left.
Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won. "Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?" said the president. "He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?"
"No, perfectly understandable", said the president. "Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said happily.
"Not so fast!" said the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please, drop your pants!"
The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question. "OK, you win, here's your $100,000," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.
"What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president.
"Oh, he's just upset... sore loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of Bank of America by the balls by noon today!"
The man tells his doctor that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past 7 months. The physician tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.
When the wife comes to office, the doctor asks her why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband any more.
"For the last 7 months," the wife replies, "every morning I take a cab to work. I don't make much money and my husband doesn't give more than bus fare, so the cab driver always asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' I always give him an 'or what'. That makes me late to work I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to dock your salary, or what?' That's another 'or what.' On the way home, I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' And, again, I do an 'or what'. So you see, Doctor, when I get home I'm all tired out and I don't want sex any more."
The doctor thinks for a second. "So," he says, "are we going to tell your husband or what?"
Original bouzermaurice joke - (copyright applies)
I had lost my socks, so I asked my sexy Japanese room mate,'am looking for my socks, have u seen them anywhere?'
And she responded 'u r looking for sex, ok i don't mind' ;
'No, no, no, am looking for my socks', I said ;
'Oh, u looking for sucks, ok I can give that to u 2' ;
'Oh f...... no no am looking for my socks' I replied ;
'Oh u looking sex and f...., ain't it the same thing? n haven't I told u am ok wiz that?' she said
Note to the reader of this joke:
We are not used to writing original English jokes, but we have tried one...hope you enjoyed let us know by leaving your comments on our facebook account Bouzer Maurice
Am in love
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love." the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you!" he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom!"
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.
"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story about the car going into the woods, the undressing, Aunt Jane laying down on the back seat. Then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Moral Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
“Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.
“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in a fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them at his side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel?”
He replied, ” It feels great but I still think my thumb’s broken.”
Women... a nice story for you
A woman was walking down the street. Without warning, she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago" the homeless woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done In 20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight."
The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."
Men are like fine wine: They all start out as grapes, and it is your job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have with dinner.
Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like coolers: Load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like coffee: The best ones are rich, warm, and keep you up all night long.
Men are like horoscopes: They always tell you what to do, and they are always wrong.
Men are like plungers: They spend most of their time in the hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like parking spots: The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None, it should be open when she brings it to him.
Why are guys like lava lamps?
They're fun to watch, but not very bright!
Jul 6, 2012