Why would he cheat on you?

Why would he would he cheat on you? – First Part and First Draft for preliminary discussions (17.03.2011)

Word of caution: This article is based on personal observations and remains without any scientific basis.  The advice and conclusions therein are to be taken half seriously even though they are based on real cases.

Why would he cheat on you?

This article comes as logical follow up to the other articles 'Women no longer the weaker sex - Changing Roles of Women in Society', ‘Divorce rate on the increase in Mauritius’, The 10 Causes of Divorce, ‘Do’s and Don’ts before marriage (especially for girls)’, ‘Is he cheating on you -16 questions to ask yourself’. We hope that you enjoyed reading these articles and will take same pleasure in reading this one.

Introduction

‘Il me prend pour une conne’ literally in English ‘he’s taking me for a fool’. This French sentence is often uttered in very delicate situations whereby girls confess to their friends that they are being cheated by their boyfriend or wives by their husband. This is often an acknowledgement of failure ; failure to maintain a relationship and to retain the one she loves for herself only. But why for heaven’s sake would a guy or husband cheat on a woman despite the fact that she loves him with all your might? This question puzzles and will remain an enigma. However, in this article, we try to describe the different situations where these can happen. There is nothing morally and ethically correct in cheating on one’s partner, though some guys feel no shame and are even proud of doing it. The Ten Commandments of the Bible prescribe two things which are relevant here‘You shall not commit adultery’. The saying ‘l’homme est polygame de nature’, as some claim cannot be morally justified.

Nature versus nurture debate

As we just pointed out, though morally improper, the some members of the masculine gender do go for adultery. The question of nature or nurture is pertinent here. We at times find people from very good family backgrounds doing this. There are various reasons for this including the following:

1. Being from a good family does not necessarily imply that the person has been properly ‘educated’ as regards feelings and relations. How far the ethical and moral values have been properly imbibed depends on the way the child has been exposed to such forms of education.
2. Peer influence can distort the perception of relations especially when one is exposed to persons who are not morally sound
3. The very nature of the person is not determined by the nurture. There may be certain genes which can influence a person’s behavior but as we do not have any data regarding this we can barely confirm whether this is true or not. It can be said that the nature of a person unveils according to situations and environments. Hence,

According to situations

It is clear that the implications of cheating vary with situations especially to three main circumstances: post marriage, post engagement (if any), and pre engagement.

We will start by the pre engagement period

The first question to ask here is how has the relationship been defined and whether the rules have been clearly set. In an open relationship, there is no real constraint, if not a moral one, on the boyfriend to stick to have other girlfriends as long as this is accepted by the ‘main’ girlfriend. Admitting that there has no clear rules set, one should not be surprised to see him flirt with other girls.

However, things are a little more complex in clearly defined relations whereby the partners officially agree to be together and accept that they will be sincere and that there would be no one else. There is no written but a moral and emotional agreement that should not be tampered with. In such cases, the reason for adultery could be:

1) Distance –Distance relationships as we had mentioned in the Do’s and Don’ts before marriage are often doomed to fail. ‘Loin des yeux. Loin du coeur’ is the French saying. However hard one may try, this often to be a vain attempt to retain the guy who goes abroad for example for studies or work for quite a long period. In such cases, it is better to go for an open relationship and not invest too much feeling.

2) Peer influence and lack of morality. Peer influence can play a major role as the peer behavior will guide the individual’s behavior.  If for instance all the best friends of your boyfriend are cheating on their official girlfriends, he will not find it odd to do it himself. The degree to which the moral principles are rooted in the person will also be crucial as to whether he will allow this to happen.

3) Temptations everywhere. Facebook , MSN and other social networks have distorted the very nature of sincere relationships and the concept of adultery in itself. Adultery is not simply a sexual question only. Discussing with a person on Facebook of very intimate things, in fact things that you would not even dare to talk about with your girlfriend is already a form of adultery though its gravity is debatable. In fact, this is the beginning which ultimately ends up where it should not.

4) An unfulfilling relation: Deciding to go for a serious relationship is a major step. However, with time the initial attraction withers and unless there is a good entente in the couple, the risks of cheating are very much alive. If the guy is unhappy for several reasons like the girl is too jealous or that she does not care that the girl reveals to be someone totally different from the one she claimed to be, that she is herself cheating on him, the boyfriend who is in fact fed up or in fact feeling abused in the relation will not feel like cheating on his girlfriend as for him with or without her, it is the same.

5) Being together does not imply that he is married. Let’s take the case where a guy knows very well that he is going to marry his girlfriend one day. However, he knows as well that once married he would be religiously, morally and legally bound to that person till the end of his life and that he will in the eye of the public be one specific person’s partner. As he realizes that he will be no more able to ‘enjoy’ his life afterwards in the same carefree manner as he used to, he may be tempted to opt for some part time or one off relationships before being the man of only one person. The problem with this is that the part time or one off relationships he might have in that period where he is more or less officially with a girlfriend may lead to bad reputation not necessarily in the short term but mainly in the long term. Mauritius is a small island and practically everything in the end gets to be known at some point in time. Those guys playing such a risky game may one day have to bear the brunt and should be ready for that. On the other had the part time and one off girlfriends should be able to accept that the guy will not be theirs and this as well is an element of risk. Living in lies is dangerous!  

6) Alcohol as an excuse

Let’s take a scenario. You trust your boyfriend fully and you have both agreed that he will be going out on his side with his friends and you with yours.  One night, your boyfriend who is not used to drinking is made to drink by his friends. At the same time, a very nice looking girl comes to him and starts gets close to him on the dance floor with very nice and romantic music being played … Knowing that among heterosexuals, boys and girls attract each other, you can imagine what can happen next and you get to know it by some other means than your boyfriend himself. In such a case, is alcohol a proper excuse? If you accept such a reason then you should wonder how many times this could happen? …(TO BE CONTINUED…)