The Dos and Donts before marriage (For girls) or some truths about how men think

The Do’s and Don’ts before marriage (For girls) or some truths about how men think or their psychology

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NOTE:

1. These pieces of advice are based on personal opinions and observations and have no scientific basis. These pertain to the Mauritian reality and should be read half seriously. However, though this may appear to be basic information, many girls still do make these mistakes...

2. This topic is a broad one and would require writing a book like Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus (1992) by John Gray. It can by no means be exhaustive and may appear to be simplistic to a few. But things are put here in a very direct and clear way. Who knows a book may one day follow...

Basic facts

1. NEVER sleep with the boyfriend you feel is made for you (i.e the one who you will ultimately marry) before marriage.Guys very often lose interest in a girl once this step is made. This is in fact a common mistake which more and more girls do make in Mauritius. When going out with a guy allow yourself some time to assess the degree of seriousness of the relation especially when you start to have strong feeling for a guy who might just be there to use you.
2. However simple this may seem to be, the second thing to bear in mind is that the perfect man does not exist and the idea is to find the most suitable guy.
3. In relationships, most guys think with their mind while girls go through their heart to take decisions. This stereotype, so true, has several implications including misunderstandings in the couple.
4. Do not be glued to your boyfriend or raise doubts unnecessarily against him especially if you do not have a clear cut and tangible evidence. He may backpedal especially when he is not at fault. Though girls do seek to have some form of control over their boyfriend, men think differently and do not always show how attached they are until and unless they are sure to go till the end. Therefore girls should be patient on this count.
5. Guys do not enjoy to be pestered every now and then but girls require attention and receiving a text or two as a minimum is  a way to show that they are being cared for. In fact, girls place much more importance on the regular attention than one off very expensive gifts, trips or whatever major expenditure.

Experience counts

Prior to marriage, many a man do not feel bonded and very rarely they limit themselves to one option. This is a sad but unfortunate truth. Of course, the 'many a man' does not mean that all men are the same. There are exceptions. It has to be underlined here that the degree to which a guy feels bonded to a girl will depend to a large extent on his previous relationships. If the guy is only at his first, second or third relationship, he is vulnerable and may find himself being manipulated if he is not careful. The same applies for a girl who is new to the love and affair game. Going out with someone who is much more mature than yourself in relationships has both inherent advantages and risks which have to be considered carefully.

If he/she says I love you does not necessarily mean he/she really loves you

The concept of love is difficult to define.Most of the times couples just break up as the partners simply realise that what they thought was love, was in the end only infatuation. When a guy tells you he is in love with you, he has to be able to say it to you while looking at you in your eyes.Depending on good a liar the guy is, even while looking at you in your eyes, he may be lying. Otherwise, this would have another meaning that he wants you which is a totally different story. Depending on the relationship you are looking for, this may be fine with you as well. In some cases, girls replace the guy especially when the guy is somewhat unexperienced. Take your time to know a guy/girl before going any further ahead.

Before versus After marriage

At times, prior to marriage, girls, like guys, have relationships. However, there is a major difference between the two as guys easily draw the line as to the seriousness of the relationship, while girls, for most of them, tend to grow in expectations. This as well needs to be interpreted on a case to case basis but has to be pointed out because the real loser here is the girl.  The power game will depend on many factors with respect to what extent each partner is dependent on the other.

Conflict management

Guys very rarely admit being at fault as they tend to rationalize everything. Depending on the character of your partner, it is advisable to discuss issues in very subtle ways and not go unnecessarily for wars. Girls nowadays as well do tend to rationalize, though and this can lead to better understanding at times. If you have issues with a guy, you should discuss them with him.

If the partner refuses to discuss either he is sure of what he is doing or he is totally at fault and does not want to concede defeat. If you are convinced that you should discuss something with your boyfriend and that he is constantly avoiding you, this means that in his eyes there is no need to discuss or he does not care at all about what you think. These are 50/50 situations that should be carefully analysed prior to coming to any conclusion.

Quit if you have doubts

If you get to learn that your boyfriend is cheating on you or that you have strong doubts about him, better ask for a break or just put a full stop to the relationship. As soon as doubts crop up in your mind (be it boy or girl), it is the beginning of the end.This will avoid frustrations if ultimately you do get married. In fact, guys as well are jealous and possessive. If they are having an affair with a girl or more, they will still feel mad about being cheated by what can be called ‘the main partner’.

After some time in a relationship, men tend to detach. They ask themselves whether they are making the right choice, they think of all the alternatives foregone, of all the freedom they had before and assess whether the relationship weighs more or not. This is a difficult period in the relationship as the guy remains aloof and at times disappears. This is not a systematic and general issue but may happen in some cases.

Prior to marriage, there are big promises from both sides and concessions are easily made. However, after marriage, this rosy relationship just disappears and concessions are very difficultly agreed upon. Furthermore, living together is a totally different paradigm which has to be factored in prior to going for marriage.

Distance as a relationship destroyer...

This is not something specific to relationships prior to marriage but also occurs during marriage. As far as possible, long distance relationships are to be avoided. The risks, uncertainties, constraints and costs associated are as a general rule very rarely worth the bargain. Married couples find themselves in very difficult situations due to the fact that one partner find himself/or herself working abroad but when it comes to serious relationships before getting married, at times, while keeping in touch, it is better to agree, in principle that there is no binding agreement as regards the behaviour of each partner. Many guys if at 20000km  away from their beloved in a country abroad will not feel much regret in going out with another woman when abroad. Agreeing that there is no rule and that the relationship is on hold during his absence is a relatively good deal for the girl as, if a girl is deeply in love, she will trust beyond any doubt her partner. The reverse is not always true. Some guys may be thinking that their partner is cheating them in their absence and then just do the worst of things without any remorse or second thought. Again here, this is only a scenario which only the partners can figure out its validity.Nevertheless, a high probability of separation due to distance is there and cannot be overlooked. Generally speaking, such long distance relationships are not advisable particularly for extended periods (>2 years).

The last piece of advice: Relationships are done, undone and at times done over again. Heartbreaks happen everyday but help in shaping the character of a person and preparing him/her for better and more mature relations. If you are not sure that the person really and sincerely loves you, you should play safe, especially when you sense that you are vulnerable. It is more easily said than done but one should not invest oneself totally in a relationship that very probably would ultimately end up in a break.

Major exceptions to the above rules

More and more girls are no longer the happy in playing the second fiddle to the man. They want to lead and work in higher positions, which is legitimate and in line with the trends across the globe. Such girls occupying higher positions tend to have the upperhand in their relationships and have more bargaining power as they are totally independent from the boy. At times, where the boy is weak, he is simply the ‘yes man’ ready to do whatever his girlfriend asks him to.

Last words...

After reading all this, you will surely be saying to yourself that most of it is not valid in your case, that these are mere stereotypes already known to all but these are just generalities which have been observed quite a few times. If your situation is different and that your relationship is all fine, may it continue for years and years!

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